Today I want to share with you something I wrote two weeks ago as a response to the devastating fires, the imprisoned children and my broken heart.
I named it Conversations with my little one #1, as there are many more that I have had since then.
It reflects the loving holding space I have been able to create for the voice of my little one that was reborn 10 years ago as a result of my own practice of Authentic Movement, and now has the words for self-expression.
May they speak to your heart as they speak to my heart!
Today something in me is refusing to do the things I have to do.
Instead of rushing myself out of the house I give me some time to open up my heart and feel with no judgement, what this denial is about.
Suddenly I can see my little one sitting stubbornly on her bed, face grumpy, arms crossed, not wanting to move. She is holding her breath not to cry.
“What is it?” I ask embracing my shoulders and letting her be. I don’t want to stop her from feeling her feelings; I just want to listen to her. “Can you tell me, maraki ?” I ask again softly while I grab a piece of paper and a pen, and she explodes;
“Why… why would I want to belong to this world that is cruel and makes no sense? Isn’t it better to be hidden? Why would I want to go out there where I have to act strong when my heart is so tender? Isn’t it better to be forgotten?
At least now, it feels safe to be at home. Out there is not.
The only reason I still wanna go out is that I need people in my life, I don’t want to be alone. But people scare me too. They are unpredictable. You never know when they will come and go. You never know when they will treat you with love and care or be angry or indifferent and hurt you.
My heart hurts. And I love my heart. I don’t want it to hurt.
Can love be stronger than hurt? Can love be stronger than rage? Can love be stronger than greed? Can love be stronger than despair?
Everybody tells me I need to grow up. But to grow up and be like them? No way. Grownups don’t take care of children as they need to. Grownups don’t take care of themselves as they have to. Grownups don’t take care of life and nature as they must do.
I don’t ever wanna become a grownup…” she ends, and I don’t really know what to say.
I am crying and my little one is crying.
I feel her pain and embrace her, me, with love.
“You are right my sweet little one, you are right… You are right to be angry You are right to feel hurt You are right to be stubborn” I whisper, she breaths, and something in me slowly calms down.
She knows that now I see her; I acknowledge her pain and love her no matter what.
And now I am able to do what I have to do and go to work.
Cause I am a grownup. Though I still feel like a grownup with a little-one’s soul.
I wonder if this is how I can listen to my little one. But haven’t we all been little ones sometime?
Little ones who did their best to overcome their wounds and grow up. Societies are built mainly from grownups with wounded little ones that are buried inside of them. Grownups who do anything to fill the void from their missing little ones. Little ones who are hungry for love, recognition and acceptance.
How many layers of defense have we built to hide our little ones and forget their pain? But when we are so guarded, we can neither hear their laughter. And there is nothing more beautiful than the clear, soulful, carefree laughter of a happy little one, an authentic expression of human nature. Today we all need more of that. But nothing material, money nor power can achieve that. Only love can make our little ones’ soul laugh again.
A little child cries from pain and laughs to pleasure. That’s all. No complex intentions, nor need for sophisticated explanations. Simple.
So next time you may feel confused, scared, upset, depressed or anxious, instead of running away, take some time to open up your heart and embrace lovingly your little one. Listen to and feel its pain with no pressure to change it. Instead, let yourself cry if you feel like it to release it. Trust your grownup self to love your little ones’ pain, and soon your heart will be warm again with your little one’s soulful laughter.
And when our little ones are loved, as grownups we can do everything it takes to make this world a more loving place for all.
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